my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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