my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
