look no pants
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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