my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Randomize
