You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
