You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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