So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
