standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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