It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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