I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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