My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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