Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
