forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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