i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
