The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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