If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
