I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
