My cat gives me a boner
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Life is so much better after having sex.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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