my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
