So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
