He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
