oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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