I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
