I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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