So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
