I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i love accidental penises.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize