why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
