I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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