Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
