my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
