upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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