Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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