alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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