Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize