your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
