Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we're making bets on your personal life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
