Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
