I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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