I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
