So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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