My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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