On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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