tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
