He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
