worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
