The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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