drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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