dude i'm inner monologue high
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
