There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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