My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
