If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
