I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
