Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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