Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
