No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
