I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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