yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize