Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
