So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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